he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize