you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
