i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
My day in three words: secret purse cake
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
