A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
