A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
its not stalking. its research.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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