I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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