life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
