He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
