got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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