i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
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