We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
