I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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