my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
