y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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