So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
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