I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Found your dick twin last night
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
