Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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