that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
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