also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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