I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
