you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
