my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
