How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
