My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
