it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
