cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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