its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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