they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
