even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
