I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
