I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
