Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
