Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
