The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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