If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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