Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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