he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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