In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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