after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
