I haven't been this sober since birth.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize