omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
