toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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