Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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