ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I just made out with a guy for $7.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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