the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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