Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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