New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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