I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Randomize
