dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
you had me at cake vodka
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
