His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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