According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
