nut hugger
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
bring money and cleavage
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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