I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
