I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
