I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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