thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Randomize
