2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize