You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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