You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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