I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
