every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize